I have now spent a week in this city. I didn't know much of what to think when I came to Berlin. I kept expecting to see the real city around every corner, but it all looked the same. Tall, flat buildings with millions of windows and graffiti. Every other shop was for hipster clothing, hipster shoes, or a hipster bar. And I've grown to really like it. Like Amsterdam, I do not feel like I need to be something I am not here. Maybe that confidence is just coming with the more time spent in Europe. I am American, I do not have crazy hip clothes, I never know where I am or where I am going, and I hang around 42 other people exactly the same way.. and that is just the way it is. Berlin has also presented me with extremely nice and gracious people. And for the record, the German language is not as grotesque as people put it out to be. It sounds very normal for lack of a better word. It just sounds like a language. Dutch is far stranger if you ask me. And you might as well be asking me, it's my blog!
Now, I say that I "hit the wall" here. We did not have an entire free day here in Berlin, the most time we had off at a time was about 5 hours. The rest of the time was filled with almost entirely lectures. We stayed in Bruges and Amsterdam for such short periods of time that we basically have been traveling all 43 of us for what felt like at least 6 days.
So 6 days of traveling + 7 hour class days + 43 college students - alone time - privacy + the discomfort of traveling in general = a very upset Laura.
I am not sure if this is permanent, but I think I became some what of an introvert this summer and that has carried over into Europe Semester. During my years at home in Rocklin, alone time was built into my schedule. Every time I drove to school, work, or church I was alone. And once my brothers moved out, anytime I was at home, that was paired with a great deal of alone time in my room. In college it was hard for me, but I have been blessed with wonderful roommates and the opportunity to find that time in my room apart from people. This summer at Woodleaf provided me with simultaneously a great deal of alone time and practically no alone time at all. The Falck House seemed to always be full, but I found so much joy and peace in the mornings when I would water and weed by myself. And now I find myself here. Never living alone, never learning alone, practically never eating alone, and barely traveling alone. The only times I am separate from people is in the bathroom and when I sleep. But not even sleeping since I am always with roommates. It's an illusion.
After all of the classes, traveling, forced conversation, loud chatter, and roommate life, I lost it. There was no crying to myself and rocking in a corner, but I might have done that if I even had the chance to. It has been a week of irritability and frustration, not wanting to talk much or 'process' with anyone.
There have been beautiful breaks from that frustration though. When I feel like this group is going to be the end of me, I cook a meal with some of dear friends and have normal conversation full of laughter and honesty, and I find hope and rest again. Those nights are spent in our hotels, not out in the lively European cities we inhabit, but they have been some of my favorite memories so far. We had a free couple hours yesterday morning which I took to my advantage. I navigated my way across town to pick up some tennis shoes and then ate a sandwich by myself in the most beautiful park. I sat silently under a tree by a stream. And that is all I could have ever wanted, truly.
There has been a serious contrast of experiences here. Hitting the wall, classes and tours on Nazism and the Holocaust, a visit to Sachsenhausen (a concentration camp), tours of the Berlin Wall(s), dark Expressionist and Romantic paintings, etc. But also beautiful Expressionist and Romantic paintings, Karaoke night, incredible kebabs, hilarious cabaret, trendy wine bars etc.
These hard times I've been living in are inevitable while traveling. I think I hit mini-walls every day actually. And I will probably hit this one again in a month or so. But that is expected, that is traveling, that is life. I am thankful that I am in the presence of classmates that understand that and are supportive. Although Berlin has not been the easiest place we've been, I am grateful for it.
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