murderers and love

Yesterday was a full day.  Seriously folks.  Update:  I am in Bayeux, France (in the north, next to the beaches of Normandy).

What I'm about to say came about in the beginning of the day, but it really does relate to everything else we saw that day (two WWII cemeteries, two D-Day beaches [Utah and Omaha], and one German battery).

(German cemetery)

(Utah Beach)

(US cemetery)

Our first stop on the tour was the German cemetery for the soldiers who died during the D-Day invasions.  These gravestones don't hold the divisions that the German soldiers belonged to (so you cannot tell if they were in the SS or just the regular German army).  Our professors told us before arriving that it is a difficult situation to be in.  What do you do at a German cemetery?  How are you supposed to feel?  What do you really think about?
Ken suggested that we pick one gravestone and pray over it.  (I can't believe how fortunate I am to travel with my professors that suggest such things).
So that is what I chose to do.  I stood by a gravestone and started praying.  I didn't know what to say but then I found myself praying forgiveness for that soldier.  Whether he was a Nazi or just a young man who merely wanted to serve his country, he needed forgiveness.  No doubt he probably killed someone in his lifetime or even during those battles.  As I prayed for forgiveness for him and his life, I thought about murdering people.  I thought about where in the Bible Jesus talks about murder..

 “You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment." Matthew 5:21


When I am angry in my heart, I murder my brother or sister.  When I am angry.  People often, Christians often, think that because they do not "hate" people in their hearts or even use the word "hate", that they're not so bad off.  So what, everyone gets angry.  I just need to vent.  It's ok to say this or think this about a person because. . .  .   How often am I angry- I'm sorry to admit it, but a lot.  Especially on this trip.  I have been angry at my brothers and sisters.  I have thought poorly of them and said sarcastic remarks and laughed at them and been short with them and been rude to them.  I have murdered them in my heart countless times.


So I prayed for forgiveness for myself.  I am a murderer not unlike the men in those graves.  And that is not dramatic.  It is true.  And as I type this I honestly don't feel the remorse I should.  I am thankful that I could even realize that, but I want to know it more.  I want to know my own sin more.


For the past two years I have been struggling with God's love.  Wanting to know but not feeling not knowing not believing not understanding.

But how can I know the reality of God's love if I do not know the gravity of my own sin?  How could it mean anything at all if I am not totally convinced of the wretch I really am?  I can boldly say that it will not mean anything if that is not clear.
I am a sinner and I want to know that.  And I am praying for that.  And I pray it with hope.  I want to know the truth.  And my sin is just as much the truth as the Lord's unending love for me.  I do not know either, but I am desperate to.  And I have hope that God will meet me there.


We leave for Paris tomorrow morning, you'll hear from me soon.

visual summary

I haven't posted many pictures, so for those of you who haven't seen my pictures on Facebook, here's a little bit of what I've been looking at..

our from our first tour of London

St. Peter's Cathedral

Little Gidding

Matt and I at The Eagle and Child pub in Oxford

(where C.S. Lewis and J.R. Tolkien were regulars)

Aveburry

Mackenzie, Joanna, and I at Aveburry

Salisbury Cathdreal

Magdalen College

(where Lewis and Tolkien tutored)

Lewis' office was on the second floor closer to the middle right

the walk where Lewis became a Christian

Oxford and then some

Let me tell you about Oxford..

My goodness I love this place.  For every block of cement and piece of trash I found in London, Oxford has provided me with a tree and a flower.  It is so beautiful and I have found rest for my soul in this place.  It is exactly what I needed.  The trees are tall, the gardens are lush, and the buildings are ancient.  Some of them date back to the 1300's.

The first night here we ate dinner and drank in the pub in which C.S. Lewis and J.R. Tolkien were regulars at- The Eagle and Child.  I do not care that it a tourist cite, I was so so happy to be there.  And tomorrow I will walk the grounds at Magdalen College where Lewis became and Christian, where he and Tolkien tutored Oxford students, and where they met with their group "The Inklings".  I cannot wait.

Today we went to Avebury, Stonehenge, and Salisbury Cathedral.  Avebury was breathtaking.  Green gorgeous countryside as far as you could see, scattered with herds of goats and sheep, and of course-giant ancient stones in rows (Lord knows how they got there).  We all walked and played and took photos and I took long deep breaths and was happy.

I was not intrigued with Stonehenge.  You cannot get very close, there are millions of people, and a great deal of fences.  It just felt like a funny old zoo for rocks.

Salisbury Cathedral was gorgeous.  It sneaks up on you in the middle of this nice little town.  Giant and wonderful.  My favorite part was the stained glass window in the very back.  During the 1600's most of Europe's stained glass windows were destroyed.   They were believed to be putting art before God, minimizing God to an image, entirely unholy (iconicism).  The far windows in Salisbury Cathedral were remade in 1980 and are beautiful and captivating.  Thousands of pieces of dark blues swirling up towards the top with specks of green and gold and red.  I will remember it.


After this very long day, we had poetry class.  I really love it, but today I was not feeling it.  I actually fell asleep in the middle of it and twitched myself awake so hard I threw my pen.  We sat in St. Andrews Church, the chapel that the famous poet George Herbert was the priest of.
Susan (one of the priests of the church) was such a delight to meet.  She welcomed us in her pink priest shirt with the white collar and a lovely smile.  As we walked from St. Andrew's to St. John's church she told me about how dull she found cricket as a sport as we then progressed to discuss the differences between the Anglican and Catholic practices.

St. John's was a much larger church than St. Andrew's.  Susan told us the story of how the church was given and the generations of people who came to worship there.  In the past 5 years the congregation has been at such a decline that they no longer have Sunday worship services.  The organ player left and the choir followed and the families left and people became too old and so on and so on.
It was heart breaking.

They can no longer afford to keep the church running without people using it and caring for it.  They are now in the process of contemplating reconstruction.  This would mean taking out the pews and replacing that space with carpet and chairs- maybe to be used for conferences or children's activities.  They would still keep the most beautiful section for a place of worship.
Though the idea of changing the church is difficult, I was inspired for their heart for the people of Salisbury.  They are willing to do whatever it takes to get people into that church, to get them to the feet of Jesus.  They have "Fun Church" once a month which consists of art and crafts and bubbles and drama.  Anything to get people into that church so they can know love.  Susan was adamant about how they need to know these people.

It was Good News.

And I was so happy to hear it.  I was again surprised (like I was in the service in St. Peter's in London) to find passionate people in a spiritually dying country.  Jesus is good and he is alive in this place and in these people.  And I have hope.
But there is urgency.  Europe desperately needs revival and people to love and care for it.  Most youth in Europe see Christianity as another failed "system" such as Fascism, Communism, aristocracy and the like.  It was a way for humans to control and make sense of their world, and it failed.  And it no longer applies.
And they need to see God for who he really is, see Christianity for what it really is.  And I won't spit you out a simple answer of what it is on this blog.  But I want it for this place, and I do not see that want lessoning in my time here.

If you remember, pray for Europe.  Pray for the people who do not know Jesus and those who are desperately trying to make him known here.  There is hope and the kingdom is now.


Blessings,

Laura

reflections on London

I just ended my 5th day in London town.  What can I tell you that you would care to hear?
The group is good and amiable.  There are 43 students.  I am absolutely loving our courses so far, especially our art course in which we've currently been looking at poetry.

As a whole: I do not like London very much.  First off I am just not a city person (so if you absolutely love London, realize that about me and try not to get offended).  I personally just see it as a more historical version of San Francisco with about 1/100 of the trees, no beach, no hills, and more difficult map.  There are also practically no homeless people... oh yeah, and everything is backwards and people have nicer accents.  But really, this just is not my deal.  I am looking forward to our next stop, a much greener and quieter Oxford.

Today was a day worth writing about.  Half of us traveled to the town of Little Gidding.  It is the perfect stereotype of a small Enlgish countryside.  There we went to a house with a little chapel and graveyard known as the Ferrar House in which T.S. Eliot wrote his last great work.  The whole day we spent drinking tea, eating, and reading through this last work in each of the it's sections and discussing it.  The garden was incredible with so many different types of the flowers (which I've been starving for since Woodleaf).  It was overcast and misting, causing all the greenery to come alive and brighten.
The church on the property where we read two of the sections had a quote from Eliot on the wall (the very place where he wrote it):

"You are not here to verify,
Instruct yourself, or inform curiosity
Or carry report.  You are here to kneel
Where prayer has been valid"

and I thought, hmm, poems on the wall of a church, and not all scripture.  There were even more than that.  How do I feel about that?  And I have to say- I feel quite right and good with it.  Especially with the meaning of the quote itself.  It is so true not just pertaining to our attitude in the church but in life.  It is this sense of humbleness I've been longing for and desiring for others.
We sat around the lunch table today and talked about what we want to potentially do with our lives.  I asked the question.  And I'm now thinking of how much we admire people with this type of plan, people who know what they want to do with their lives.  People who makes goals in their careers and have every intention to achieve those specific goals.  I will admire their passion, but I will not admire that.

What I want is people who know where God wants them now and are trying their best to get there and only there.  

That is humble and that is what I want for myself.

That is what I want on this trip.  I don't want to merely learn, see sights and do fun things during my free time.  If I am not where God calls me, those things are empty, even the learning.  Especially the learning.  I want to be in the places God calls me to- whether that be learning in museums, talking to strangers in cafes and pubs, or being somewhere I really do not want to be with my classmates.

In hope,
striving for a humble and gentle spirit.

Houston, the Hilton, and a pack of cigarettes

I was originally going to take this plane ride to try to summarize my time at Woodleaf.  Or at least talk about it.  And maybe I’ll do that.. but first I’ll let y’all know what has happened since I left camp.

Spent two days in Rocklin packing, playing all of my new country music, and powering through the fourth season of Friday Night Lights.

Flight from Sacramento to Houston was smooth, but I knew I had a quick turn around in the Houston airport so my nerves were relieved when we landed early in Houston.  Unfortunatly the plane at our gate was running behind schedule so I was actually late...

thus I missed my flight to London by about 15 minutes.  I was given food vouchers and a free night in the North Hilton.  I spent about 2 hours sobbing in the airport as I waited in the office to request my luggage and retrieve it.  A young couple from Humboldt, CA befriended me as I was sniffling in baggage claim.  They were on the same flight and had missed their connection to Zurich.  We got on the shuttle together, got to the Hilton as we watched the beautiful Texas sunset out the windows, and ate dinner at the restaurant in the hotel.

I took a bath in the nicest hotel room I’ve ever been in and watched a little more Friday Night Lights.  I was feeling pretty awake due to the time difference and decided that I was going to walk to the nearest gas station and get real American..

got a pack of Marlboro cigarettes and smoked under the Texas flag.

After that success, I realized that on the jog back from the gas station I had dropped my debit card.  Focusing hard on not panicking, I got my flashlight and retraced my steps there and back from the hotel to the gas station. 

No luck and I’m sure I looked completely absurd on the streets of Houston at 11:30pm staring at the ground, sweating more than anyone should ever sweat at that time of night because Texas is so damn HOT!

Got back to my room, called my incredible parents who took care of me and then skyped a dear friend until 2:30am (thank you).

Woke up, went to look for the card one last time before canceling it.  Once again, I sweat more than anyone should ever sweat at that time of day.  A nice southern man in his truck asked if I needed help.  But no card.  Used my vouchers at the breakfast area in the Hilton.  The sweetest waitress saw that I didn’t have much money and offered for me to get whatever I wanted from the buffet I didn’t pay for.

After that I needed to cancel my card but had no money to pay for the minutes it would use on the hotel phone.  The joyful man at the concierge desk offered me the use of his iPhone.  After a successful cancel and re-order I thank him as he told me to “keep smiling”.

I am even more convinced now that I do not ever intend to make my life in California.  Say whatever you like about their reasoning, but southern people are just nicer and I want as much of that in my life as I can get.

And it has been just fine ever since then.  I am on the flight to London in a row all by myself.  Heather (another Westmont student) is on the flight with me and we will meet up with Kyle in Heathrow airport and take the tube together (something I REALLY did not want to do alone).

I am truly thankful for all of this.  Not that I wanted it to happen, but I have been completely taken care of and blessed by God and the countless strangers he placed in front of me.  I have been completely assured this entire adventure that Jesus is taking full care of me and that I am and will be perfectly fine. 

Somewhere during this summer I learned a great deal more about not worrying.  I didn't give it much thought, but during this entire time I've been fully convinced that I could not have done much to change my situation and worrying would be a waste of my time and thoughts.

That is not like me.  That has not been who I am.  So can I just praise Jesus for allowing me to learn that?  And praise him for giving me the opportunity to practice that before I even arrived in Europe.

Yeah!!

I realize this is quite long.  But I figured it was worth telling.  Now I will return to drinking my airline coffee and watching Hot Tub Time Machine (this better be worth it because it looks ridiculous).

And more of Woodleaf is to come because believe me, it’s worth writing/ reading about.

Blessings y’all.

it was well worth it

I just spent the past week as a leader with Santa Barbara for our week at Woodleaf.  I wanted to share with ya'll all the was the experience for me..

It started out so so hard.  Leaving the intern community was so difficult for me.  To be honest I was ready to get out of the house (and I still am for the sole reason that I cannot stand how messy it is).  But I was not ready to leave the support system of my friends here.  My two closest friends are in the kitchen so I didn't see them around camp with my girls.

I could not believe that my one girl I brought was coming.  It shocked me even when she stepped off the bus.  But those first couple hours were rough, she wasn't quite sure why she was here and I was doubting how she would even receive anything from the week.

I did not know why I was doing it.  I had a breakdown before our first meal.  I had no idea what to say to her or how to make her have a good week.  It would have been easier to landscape.

The group of girls in our cabin got along surprising well.  I was also put in a cabin with the two women leaders I get along best with.  They were such a support to me and we really worked as a team to decide what was best for our girls in every problem that arose (and there were plenty i.e. sickness and injury amount many of our girls).

We split our cabin times into two groups and I lead one of them.  Some nights were better than others.  A constant reminder I got throughout that week was that I have control over nothing.  

I could not make these girls share their lives (and sometimes they didn't).

I could not make them understand Jesus.

I could not make them want Him.

I could not make them have fun.

I could only just show up.  And I prayed that the Lord would give me words to speak to these girls.  And He did (of course).

These girls were incredible to me.  Besides my girl, I didn't know most all of them.  One of our girls was from France and none of us knew her before.  Her openness, honesty, and love for fun was a blessing to me.  It was just a joy to share life with those girls.  They let me into their lives and allowed me to love them.  Many of them shared with me things I never imagined they would.  I got to have a few select deep conversations where the Lord spoke through me to these girls.  Spoke of his love (that I do not understand) and of his plan for them.  I just got to talk speak pray to them about God and have them listen.  I grew to love them all so dearly.

(and here we all are)

If that was all that happened then it would have been worth it.  

The one girl I brought ended up not being in my cabin time.  This was in turn such a blessing on so many levels.  I won't be going back to Santa Barbara in the fall so it was so wonderful that she could get to know the other leaders through cabin time.  I was also able to set aside a lot of my pride through that.

And really, along with wonderful, deep, spirit-filled times with all the girls, the most important part best part shocking part life-changing event thing that brought me so much joy is that my girl came to know Jesus this week!!!  Stood up at Say So, soaked in everything that was said and talked about.  I still cannot believe it.

Praise Jesus!  He is so good.

(and if you every have the time/ remember) Please pray for her.  Pray that she would continue in her walk with Jesus.  And pray for the other girls in our cabin- that their lives back home would be full of joy and love, they are so tough.  And that they would continue to know Jesus better and have boldness to follow them.

In His Peace