What I'm about to say came about in the beginning of the day, but it really does relate to everything else we saw that day (two WWII cemeteries, two D-Day beaches [Utah and Omaha], and one German battery).
(German cemetery)
(Utah Beach)
(US cemetery)
Our first stop on the tour was the German cemetery for the soldiers who died during the D-Day invasions. These gravestones don't hold the divisions that the German soldiers belonged to (so you cannot tell if they were in the SS or just the regular German army). Our professors told us before arriving that it is a difficult situation to be in. What do you do at a German cemetery? How are you supposed to feel? What do you really think about?
Ken suggested that we pick one gravestone and pray over it. (I can't believe how fortunate I am to travel with my professors that suggest such things).
So that is what I chose to do. I stood by a gravestone and started praying. I didn't know what to say but then I found myself praying forgiveness for that soldier. Whether he was a Nazi or just a young man who merely wanted to serve his country, he needed forgiveness. No doubt he probably killed someone in his lifetime or even during those battles. As I prayed for forgiveness for him and his life, I thought about murdering people. I thought about where in the Bible Jesus talks about murder..
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment." Matthew 5:21
When I am angry in my heart, I murder my brother or sister. When I am angry. People often, Christians often, think that because they do not "hate" people in their hearts or even use the word "hate", that they're not so bad off. So what, everyone gets angry. I just need to vent. It's ok to say this or think this about a person because. . . . How often am I angry- I'm sorry to admit it, but a lot. Especially on this trip. I have been angry at my brothers and sisters. I have thought poorly of them and said sarcastic remarks and laughed at them and been short with them and been rude to them. I have murdered them in my heart countless times.
So I prayed for forgiveness for myself. I am a murderer not unlike the men in those graves. And that is not dramatic. It is true. And as I type this I honestly don't feel the remorse I should. I am thankful that I could even realize that, but I want to know it more. I want to know my own sin more.
For the past two years I have been struggling with God's love. Wanting to know but not feeling not knowing not believing not understanding.
But how can I know the reality of God's love if I do not know the gravity of my own sin? How could it mean anything at all if I am not totally convinced of the wretch I really am? I can boldly say that it will not mean anything if that is not clear.
I am a sinner and I want to know that. And I am praying for that. And I pray it with hope. I want to know the truth. And my sin is just as much the truth as the Lord's unending love for me. I do not know either, but I am desperate to. And I have hope that God will meet me there.
We leave for Paris tomorrow morning, you'll hear from me soon.
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